a robots blog.

in all honesty.

i havent blogged about anything so close to my heart as what i am about to write now.

for those of you who have known me a while..and have gotten to know me more and more everyday, you should know that i dont live an ordinary life. i am not an ordinary person.

i might not live the life of a social, beautiful, skinny or intelligent person.

but i travel down a road that isnt traveled on by too many people.

ive met so many people from all over the world, from different backgrounds, different lifestyles, liberals
republicans, christians, agnostics, dumb, smart, rich, poor, black, white, dying, old.

the one , the very one person ive ever fallen completely in love with died last year and this time.
ive lost more than enough people in my life. people i cared for more passionately than any.

ive screwed up. im 21, i dont have money for school, i barely have enough money to pay the payements on my shitty car, i live with my mom. i dont have the confidence or self appreciation or worth to be with anyone. i dont let people close, not for sake of gaurding my heart but because im ashamed of my physical appearance. it makes me sick to my stomach if  anyone sees any part of my body that i know isnt appealing to them or anyone with decent sight.

and my dreams... my dreams are always in color. they are always so vivid and active and real.
my dreams are very detailed and emotional. they are one notch away from being lucid.
i heard that was rare. regardless, i have this one reoccuring dream. and thats why im writing this really... the one reoccuring dream i have is this.

i am in a black gown. i have some sort of blurry background or idea of what lifestyle i live.
sometimes that part differs which makes it blurry. either im living in a artsy loft in the middle of a downtown city, where the streets never sleep and theres cocktail parties and night life.
others, im a single modern age woman, working in a corporate office, with my own little cubicle, and pencil skirts and blouses, and i go to fancy corporate parties and mingle with all the single men but go home, happily however, to an empty apartment alone because none of the men i mingled with seemed to have anything about them that stood out to me. regardless of that aspect of my reoccuring dream those are usually the lifestyles i guess im yearning for.

back to the gown. this particular dream always goes back to me in the black gown.
i just got out of some highclass dinner party or banquet or VIP corporate party..
and everyone is drunk and leaving the nice place we are at. some go home, some stay out.
and me and usually a few other people take off our shoes and we dance around the streets and fountains. sometimes its paris, sometimes its london, sometimes in berlin.
but theres always fountains. and always brick sidewalks and streets.
and theres always drinks in our hands. theres always smiling. and forgetting everything around us.

and the most important part of this dream is that theres always a very dim glow lazily falling out of the street lamps..onto the streets and fountains..reflecting off our black suits and gowns.
just enough to forget your in a big city where other people exist, but too dark to really see anything outside of the small block that you occupy with these friends.

and then the sun comes up and we all scatter like lepers who have never seen light..
and in the moment we scatter, theres always a man who runs up after me, grabs my hand..
looks me in the eyes and says "my mind will not rest, and this is because of you, but my body will sleep because it brings me back to this moment in the blink of an eye...and this is where i exist." then kisses me quickly and then im awake. the man never really is a specific person..
i only remember him being beautiful and warm and safe. i never remember a face.

sigh.

i dont know why im writing this. i think its because i feel weird that  i would dream this dream over and over and over and over and over again. and maybe hoping someone else has a weird dream that reoccurs time after time. dreams are real crazy and i personally believe that dreams are made up of things that float around in your mind, subconcious and concious and that they blend together and thats what makes them unique and always relative to your normal current life and your dreams and ambitions and secret desires and wants and goals. gah.

its 7am i should sleep. maybe the man in my dream that exists only for that time in my mind is waiting for me to come play by the fountain in my gown.....or maybe im insane and i need to lay off the crack.

I can give you what you want.
I can make your heart beats short.
I can make you ice cream, we could be a sweet team
melting in your vice dreams, sport.

I can be the sauce you crave.
I can spell what you can't say.
chocolate flavored love theme treat the treats you so mean
covering your nights and days.

Let me give you what you like.
I can make you mouth run dry.
drink me like a liquor, c'mon and dip your dipper
show me what you're here for, guy.

I can give you what you want.
I can make your back real taut.
fantastic flavored fancies sick like Sid and Nancy wicked as a joy ride jaunt.

What you want.
I can give you what u want

My friend Ricky Henry is selling some of his artwork...

Make an offer and he will most likely buckle...

It will come signed by Ricky of course being the artist and all, and get the controller one (last pic) and you just MIGHT see an MC ROUTER sig on there!

and everyones favorite...

 hit him up on AIM 'aManWith2Brains' if you have any questions

<3 mc router

1 ARTIST, THEIR SONGS, 15 ANSWERS
WHICH ARTIST DO U CHOOSE?:	bright eyes
WHAT'S UR CURRENT LOCATION?:	At The Bottom Of Everything
WHERE WOULD YOU RATHER BE?:	Down In A Rabbit Hole
WHAT'S YOUR CURRENT OCCUPATION?:	On My Way To Work
DESCRIBE YOUR LAST RELATIONSHIP?:	Lover I Don't Have To Love
DESCRIBE UR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP?:	It's Cool, We Can Still Be Friends
ARE YOU A MALE OR A FEMALE?:	When The Curious Girl Realizes She Is Under Glass
IF UR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE TITLE BE?:	First Day Of My Life
PICK A SONG THAT BEST DESCRIBES YOU?:	I Won't Ever Be Happy Again
WHAT'S ONE QUESTION YOU WOULD LIKE TO ASK PEOPLE?:	You Will. You? Will. You? Will. You? Will?
HOW WOULD U DESCRIBE YOUR SEXUAL STYLE?:	Pull My Hair (OR) The Awful Sweetness Of Escaping Sweat
WHO IS UR BESTFRIEND?:	Tereza And Thomas
WHAT ARE SOME THINGS THAT YOU LIKE?:	A Spindle, A Darkness, A Fever, And A Necklace
WHAT ARE SOME THINGS THAT YOU ARE SCARED OF?:	I Watched You Taking Off
HOW WOULD U ADDRESS A HATER?:	Bad Blood
Take this survey | Find more surveys | MySpace Surveys Bzoink - The Original Survey Site

I'll be the grapes fermented,
Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit
Like a perfect gentlemen
I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick
Where you will sit and contemplate your day

I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning
In an open tab when your judgement's on the brink
I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite
Albums back as your lying there drifting off to sleep...
I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you...
You won't have to strain to look into my eyes
I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zippedstraight to the throat
With the collar up so you won't catch a cold

I want to take you far from the cynics int his town
And kiss you on the mouth
We'll cut out bodies free from the tethers of this scene,
Start a brand new colony
Where everything will change,
We'll give ourselves new names (identities erased)
The sun will hear the grounds
Under our bare feet in this brand new colony
Everything will change, oOo oOo...

i think i finally can put my finger on why i like the night so much.
the dark. pitch black.

ive been a night creature since i was a kid.

dreaded going out into the daytime, into the sunlight..
i cried. got boils on my skin.
kids called me goth.

its because in the dark, the pitch black..i was flawless.
it hid the leper image..my fat..my cellulite..my ugly boobs..
it hid my ugly face..my scars..my birthmarks..

i think thats why i find so much rest and security at night..

cause its hides me.
i get nervous when people stare at me..when they get a good look at me..
i feel defeated...helpless...sad..and ready for them to ban me to the leper colony..

"...and in the middle of drinks maybe the fifth or the sixth
im completely alone at a table of friends, i feel nothing for them
i feel nothin...nothin...
and each morning he wakes with a dream to describe
something lovely that bloomed in his beautiful mind
i say "ill trade you one, for two nightmares of mine.."
"i have some where i die...i have some where we all die."

im thinking of quittin drinkin again..i know i said that a couple of times
and im always changing my mind..
but theres this burn in my stomach, and this pain in my side..
and when i kneel at the toilet and the mornings clean light..
pours in through the window, sometimes i pray i dont die..
im a goddamn hypocrite..

but then night rolls around and it all starts making sense
theres no right way or wrong where you just have to live
and i just do what i do, and at least i exist
what could mean more than this?  "

HAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!! DUDE!! im so fucked up on pills right now, i just picked up my cellphone and thought it was my camera, and hooked it up to my camera USB cable and then an error poppped up on my screen saying "new hardware found" and i was like wtf..then i stared at my monitor dumbfounded like...then realized i had plugged my cellphone into the computer! HAHAH WTFFF

oh boy..

theres trouble in the maids quarters.

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Current mood: giddy

pull the air until theres nothing left.

so even though is not even 11am yet.. today has already been somewhat of a renewal day.
i had to wake up really early to take my new puppy to a new home.
then as i was driving back to my moms, i drove with the windows down...
the air was SOO warm and delightful...i had my arm out the window the whole way home..
and it was as if i could grab pieces of fresh air and put them in my pocket...
the sun was shining on my skin...which is a rare sight for me because the moonlight and the glow
from my computer is the only lights that usually illuminate my skin.
but not today. today the sun showered itself upon my body and the wind consumed my hair and face..

it was amazing.

now im about to take a shower and head to work.

i barely got maybe 3 hours of sleep last night, but i feel awake..somewhat happy..and most importantly...ALIVE.

besides.. i happen to like a boy that makes me giddy inside and out. and i cant help but smile when hes around
or when i am thinking of him. gosh. im doing it now.