i think way too much.

in all honesty.

i havent blogged about anything so close to my heart as what i am about to write now.

for those of you who have known me a while..and have gotten to know me more and more everyday, you should know that i dont live an ordinary life. i am not an ordinary person.

i might not live the life of a social, beautiful, skinny or intelligent person.

but i travel down a road that isnt traveled on by too many people.

ive met so many people from all over the world, from different backgrounds, different lifestyles, liberals
republicans, christians, agnostics, dumb, smart, rich, poor, black, white, dying, old.

the one , the very one person ive ever fallen completely in love with died last year and this time.
ive lost more than enough people in my life. people i cared for more passionately than any.

ive screwed up. im 21, i dont have money for school, i barely have enough money to pay the payements on my shitty car, i live with my mom. i dont have the confidence or self appreciation or worth to be with anyone. i dont let people close, not for sake of gaurding my heart but because im ashamed of my physical appearance. it makes me sick to my stomach if  anyone sees any part of my body that i know isnt appealing to them or anyone with decent sight.

and my dreams... my dreams are always in color. they are always so vivid and active and real.
my dreams are very detailed and emotional. they are one notch away from being lucid.
i heard that was rare. regardless, i have this one reoccuring dream. and thats why im writing this really... the one reoccuring dream i have is this.

i am in a black gown. i have some sort of blurry background or idea of what lifestyle i live.
sometimes that part differs which makes it blurry. either im living in a artsy loft in the middle of a downtown city, where the streets never sleep and theres cocktail parties and night life.
others, im a single modern age woman, working in a corporate office, with my own little cubicle, and pencil skirts and blouses, and i go to fancy corporate parties and mingle with all the single men but go home, happily however, to an empty apartment alone because none of the men i mingled with seemed to have anything about them that stood out to me. regardless of that aspect of my reoccuring dream those are usually the lifestyles i guess im yearning for.

back to the gown. this particular dream always goes back to me in the black gown.
i just got out of some highclass dinner party or banquet or VIP corporate party..
and everyone is drunk and leaving the nice place we are at. some go home, some stay out.
and me and usually a few other people take off our shoes and we dance around the streets and fountains. sometimes its paris, sometimes its london, sometimes in berlin.
but theres always fountains. and always brick sidewalks and streets.
and theres always drinks in our hands. theres always smiling. and forgetting everything around us.

and the most important part of this dream is that theres always a very dim glow lazily falling out of the street lamps..onto the streets and fountains..reflecting off our black suits and gowns.
just enough to forget your in a big city where other people exist, but too dark to really see anything outside of the small block that you occupy with these friends.

and then the sun comes up and we all scatter like lepers who have never seen light..
and in the moment we scatter, theres always a man who runs up after me, grabs my hand..
looks me in the eyes and says "my mind will not rest, and this is because of you, but my body will sleep because it brings me back to this moment in the blink of an eye...and this is where i exist." then kisses me quickly and then im awake. the man never really is a specific person..
i only remember him being beautiful and warm and safe. i never remember a face.

sigh.

i dont know why im writing this. i think its because i feel weird that  i would dream this dream over and over and over and over and over again. and maybe hoping someone else has a weird dream that reoccurs time after time. dreams are real crazy and i personally believe that dreams are made up of things that float around in your mind, subconcious and concious and that they blend together and thats what makes them unique and always relative to your normal current life and your dreams and ambitions and secret desires and wants and goals. gah.

its 7am i should sleep. maybe the man in my dream that exists only for that time in my mind is waiting for me to come play by the fountain in my gown.....or maybe im insane and i need to lay off the crack.