things in the light aren't the same in the dark..

i think i finally can put my finger on why i like the night so much.
the dark. pitch black.

ive been a night creature since i was a kid.

dreaded going out into the daytime, into the sunlight..
i cried. got boils on my skin.
kids called me goth.

its because in the dark, the pitch black..i was flawless.
it hid the leper image..my fat..my cellulite..my ugly boobs..
it hid my ugly face..my scars..my birthmarks..

i think thats why i find so much rest and security at night..

cause its hides me.
i get nervous when people stare at me..when they get a good look at me..
i feel defeated...helpless...sad..and ready for them to ban me to the leper colony..

"...and in the middle of drinks maybe the fifth or the sixth
im completely alone at a table of friends, i feel nothing for them
i feel nothin...nothin...
and each morning he wakes with a dream to describe
something lovely that bloomed in his beautiful mind
i say "ill trade you one, for two nightmares of mine.."
"i have some where i die...i have some where we all die."

im thinking of quittin drinkin again..i know i said that a couple of times
and im always changing my mind..
but theres this burn in my stomach, and this pain in my side..
and when i kneel at the toilet and the mornings clean light..
pours in through the window, sometimes i pray i dont die..
im a goddamn hypocrite..

but then night rolls around and it all starts making sense
theres no right way or wrong where you just have to live
and i just do what i do, and at least i exist
what could mean more than this?  "