i think i finally can put my finger on why i like the night so much.
the dark. pitch black.
ive been a night creature since i was a kid.
dreaded going out into the daytime, into the sunlight..
i cried. got boils on my skin.
kids called me goth.
its because in the dark, the pitch black..i was flawless.
it hid the leper image..my fat..my cellulite..my ugly boobs..
it hid my ugly face..my scars..my birthmarks..
i think thats why i find so much rest and security at night..
cause its hides me.
i get nervous when people stare at me..when they get a good look at me..
i feel defeated...helpless...sad..and ready for them to ban me to the leper colony..
"...and in the middle of drinks maybe the fifth or the sixth
im completely alone at a table of friends, i feel nothing for them
i feel nothin...nothin...
and each morning he wakes with a dream to describe
something lovely that bloomed in his beautiful mind
i say "ill trade you one, for two nightmares of mine.."
"i have some where i die...i have some where we all die."
im thinking of quittin drinkin again..i know i said that a couple of times
and im always changing my mind..
but theres this burn in my stomach, and this pain in my side..
and when i kneel at the toilet and the mornings clean light..
pours in through the window, sometimes i pray i dont die..
im a goddamn hypocrite..
but then night rolls around and it all starts making sense
theres no right way or wrong where you just have to live
and i just do what i do, and at least i exist
what could mean more than this? "
HAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!! DUDE!! im so fucked up on pills right now, i just picked up my cellphone and thought it was my camera, and hooked it up to my camera USB cable and then an error poppped up on my screen saying "new hardware found" and i was like wtf..then i stared at my monitor dumbfounded like...then realized i had plugged my cellphone into the computer! HAHAH WTFFF
oh boy..
theres trouble in the maids quarters.
Current mood: 
giddy
so even though is not even 11am yet.. today has already been somewhat of a renewal day.
i had to wake up really early to take my new puppy to a new home.
then as i was driving back to my moms, i drove with the windows down...
the air was SOO warm and delightful...i had my arm out the window the whole way home..
and it was as if i could grab pieces of fresh air and put them in my pocket...
the sun was shining on my skin...which is a rare sight for me because the moonlight and the glow
from my computer is the only lights that usually illuminate my skin.
but not today. today the sun showered itself upon my body and the wind consumed my hair and face..
it was amazing.
now im about to take a shower and head to work.
i barely got maybe 3 hours of sleep last night, but i feel awake..somewhat happy..and most importantly...ALIVE.
besides.. i happen to like a boy that makes me giddy inside and out. and i cant help but smile when hes around
or when i am thinking of him. gosh. im doing it now.
